Let's talk about Bruno...and trauma

**Spoiler Alert**

I have seen a lot of things written about Encanto. Everyone has recognized the role that generational trauma is playing in the movie, which is a very important conversation to have. I am glad that Disney has taken the opportunity to provide space for that conversation. Musicals, theater, art, and literature tend to be great ways to engage people on difficult topics in a way that is more palatable and safer. As a therapist that specializes in trauma, I would like to take this opportunity to take the discussion a little deeper.

Here is what we know, Abuela experiences a trauma, war and the death of her husband shortly after giving birth to triplet, and out of that trauma, comes the miracle. A house is built and the subsequent family members, except for Mirabel, are blessed with a magical gift. Throughout the movie we begin to see that what started as a magical gift eventually becomes a burden to most of them; Bruno was even excommunicated due to his gift.

Let’s take a look at these gifts through a trauma informed lens. This is ultimately how I ended up viewing this movie and believe that it holds some very important messages. When people endure prolonged trauma, complex trauma, they are forced to find ways to manage, to survive. They create a whole system of survival mechanisms that allow them to continue to live and exist in this world as a functioning human being. This is a gift. It is miraculous what our brains do in order to survive. Our brain allows us to accommodate to trauma in whatever way necessary.

Abuela experienced so much trauma. Her home was then created on a foundation of trauma that is slowly starting to crumble, as it usually does. Due to Abuela’s inability to process her trauma and to grieve the many losses, due to her need to survive and take care of her family, she unknowingly forces her family to manage the trauma for her. Abuela passes on his trauma from one generation to another. This management of the trauma is defined as a gift. It is idealized and it is never questioned. This allows the family to continue to protect the matriarch of the family from her own feelings and to continue to function as a family.

The gifts that are provided to the family members are survival skills that I have seen over and over in clients that I have worked with.

• Luisa’s strength is a common defense mechanism. Survivors are often put in a position to be strong not only for themselves, but for others. They are forced to shoulder the burden for the rest of the family. Abused children are often parentified and keep their abuse a secret in order to protect their family. Their strength is often complimented and valued. When natural emotions and fatigue set in, it creates shame and a feeling of weakness. We, as a society, award the strong and provide little reason for those who use strength as a coping mechanism to voluntarily allow themselves to feel, to fall, to heal.

• Isabela has the gift of perfection. Everywhere she goes she can create a beautiful, perfect scene of flowers. Her appearance is perfect in every way. She behaves as expected and even plans to marry the perfect (in theory) man. Perfection is an illusion mean to shield others from what is truly going on. It is a way to avoid questions. One way that survivors cope with trauma is by pushing the trauma to the background. Abused children will be successful in school, they will be social, well liked, and highly functioning members of society. This allows them to keep their trauma a secret, to protect their family. It also allows for a type of containment that keeps the intense emotions associated with the trauma at bay.

• Doloros has superhuman hearing. Those who experience prolonged trauma can develop a skill called tracking. These individuals are always aware, alert, and ready to fight, run, or freeze if, and when, needed. They notice everything. They hear everything. They are tuned into everything that is going on in their environment. This allows them the ability to always be prepared to survive.

• Camilo can shapeshift, which is also a common survival skill. This skill allows individuals to morph into whoever and whatever they need to be. Sometimes this skill allows them to just blend into the background so that no one notices them. Survivors of trauma are often times very good at shifting in a moments notice when deemed necessary.

• Antonio gift is his ability to communicate with animals. His room is every child’s dream. He gets to escape into a room full of fun and fantasy. This type of escape is much like dissociation. Survivors of trauma often learn how to disconnect as means of coping with the ongoing trauma. They are able to go to fantastical places in their mind. Sometimes they disappear, sometimes they float over their bodies, and sometimes they create elaborate fantasies during the trauma and/or when triggered and flooded with intense emotions.

• Julieta heals with food. She is the caretaker, and everyone comes to her when they are ill or hurt. Julieta’s worth is defined by her ability to care for others. Much like Luisa, this is a valued role but also a role that allows the individual to ignore their own needs in order to care for others.

• Pepa is a little different. She controls the weather with her emotions. To me, Pepa is the trauma survivor who can’t quite keep it all together. Survivors often have a difficult time regulating their emotions due to the structural changes that occur in the brain. The weather cloud above her indicates her mood and it provides a concrete indicator to all family members of how Pepa is feeling. Unfortunately, this then allows the family members to constantly remind Pepa to keep her emotions in check for the sake of the family. Throughout the movie, you see Pepa trying to self sooth or convince herself to calm down.

Then there is Mirabel and Bruno. Yes, I talked about Bruno. Mirabel and Bruno were the disruptors of the defense system. Bruno had the power to see the future; he had insight. . Bruno was the trauma warning system about what would/could happen and for that he was shunned because it was a threat to the system. Instead of leaving, Bruno hid in the walls. He did not leave, because he couldn’t. Bruno hid in order to protect his family and to allow them to continue to live, happily utilizing the survival mechanisms that they were gifted. He did his best to manage behind the scenes. He ate dinner with his family behind the walls. He created different personas to pass the time, to feel less alone, and to accomplish different tasks. He utilized differently coping skills to help him manage through this difficult, lonely time.

And lastly, Mirabel. She is the scapegoated child with appropriate boundaries. She is the child who typically gets referred for counseling for failing to conform to the needs of the family. Mirabel didn’t receive a magical gift because she did not need one. She was able to see the cracks in the foundation. She was willing to face them head on and had the will and courage to explore them further. Mirabel stood up to a long established, well-fortified trauma foundation. She knew that the family could not continue to exist in this manner any longer. She saw how exhausted Luisa and Isabela were and how much they needed to be a little less strong or a little less perfect. Mirabel saw that the family could be different, happier, healthier.

In the end, the foundation crumbles. Insight, honest and open communication, compassion, strength, and community allows for the walls to come down and a new, stable foundation to be built. You see, what often happens is that we continue to utilize trauma survival skills even when the trauma no longer exists. Mirabel provided the family an opportunity to create a foundation based on community and emotional health when the prior foundation, built on trauma, was no longer working and/or necessary.

Here’s the thing though. None of the character lost their gift. It is important that we recognize that their ability to manage the trauma truly is a gift. None of the family members lost what made them unique and special. What changed is that the gifts became about thriving rather than surviving. Luisa got to be strong without always needing to be shoulder it all on her own. Isabela got to create beauty in a way that didn’t require perfection. These gifts became about want rather than need. There was now a space to discuss the past hurt so that healing could occur. It provided a sense of freedom for all family members to discover who they are outside of the family trauma. Bruno was welcomed back in the family as what made him special was no longer a threat.

The takeaway:

• We have to acknowledge and honor all that we do to survive and cope. It truly is a gift. We should not shame ourselves or anyone else for what we do to survive. The more we shame ourselves or others, the harder it is to heal.

• We have to take a step back and assess the role that generational trauma has played in our own lives. How have we accommodated to the needs of our family’s desire to NOT talk about traumatic events? What can we do to help provide a safe space for discussion about trauma? Which character do we most identify with?

• If you are the scapegoated/ostracized child, we see you. We know the burden you have endured and what you have had to shoulder for the sake of your family. Your gift of insight can also be a great burden and it can leave you feeling very alone. Surround yourself with people who see you and provide a safe space to be your true self and never stop fighting to be heard.

• Normalize therapy. Therapy is a necessary tool for emotional healing, especially for those who experience trauma.

• More Disney movies like this. This is an amazing tool to begin a conversation with children AND adults about the role of trauma in a family.

“Everything Happens For a Reason” is a Place to Land…

** Trigger Warning** This post is about baby loss and grief. If you have experienced your own loss, this may be triggering for you!

On August 14, 2018, my daughter, Abigail Rose, was born sleeping at 24 weeks.  I never got to hold her.  I never got to see her smile, hold her hand, or watch her grow up.  Due to a blood clot in my placenta, Abigail was deprived of the nutrients she needed to come into this world alive.  It was every mother’s (and father’s) nightmare.   I was traumatized.  Everything about Abigail’s delivery is a blur.  To this day, I am trying to put all the pieces together. 

I remember feeling like I was in a dream when the doctor was breaking the news to me.  I remember going home and crying.  But it all felt so surreal.  I was anxious throughout the pregnancy and had a feeling something was not quite right; however,  I convinced myself that I was just being an anxious, first-time, pregnant woman.  I tried to embrace the experience, and just as I let me guard down, I was hit in the face with the most horrific reality.  My body failed me and it failed Abigail.  The life that I had allowed myself to imagine for Abigail was never going to happen.  I would never be the same again.  How would I be able to survive this emotionally?  I had no idea.

As people began to find out,  they started to reach out to me through text and phone calls.  There was always awkwardness when I would see people in person.  They didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know what to say.  Some people said things that were helpful and comforting and some did not.  I started having panic attacks when I went out in public.  I was worried about running into people who did not know yet.  One woman came up to me and grabbed my belly and asked when my little girl was due.  I had to tell her that she had already been born.   In order to avoid these awkward interactions, I posted what happened on social media.  I didn’t want to have to say that my baby had died over and over again, and felt that this was the most efficient way to let everyone know.   I realize now that a lot of my anxiety was out of concern for other people.  I didn’t want to upset them or make them uncomfortable.  When I did have to break the news, I found myself assuring them that I was fine (I wasn’t), and then I would focus on comforting them or alleviating their discomfort.  It became easier to just avoid public places.

As a therapist, I understood that people were doing the best that they could.  I understood that we, as a society, don’t deal well with death, and it makes us react in funny, sometimes unhelpful, ways.  I also know that we don’t do well with strong emotions, and we do a horrible job of creating a safe environment where individuals can talk about infertility, miscarriage, and baby loss.  However, understanding the behavior did not make it any easier. 

The best thing anyone said to me after I lost Abigail was, “I am just going to hug you.  There are no words.”  It was true.  There were no words that would take away my pain.  There were no words to bring Abigail back to me.  So why did people continue to try to make me feel better?  I did not want to feel better.  I wanted to grieve the loss of my little girl.  I wanted to cry.  And frankly, I wanted to know that they were sad too.  I wanted to know that my child, who no one got to meet, meant something to you.  I wanted to know that her life mattered, and that she would be remembered. 

The most hurtful thing that people said to me was that, “everything happened for a reason” and “this was God’s plan.”  It would make me so angry!  I knew it was said with love and I would smile and nod my head.  But inside, it was like a dagger to the gut. It made little sense to me.  Why would God want this to happen?  Why would God give me a baby in my belly for 24 weeks and then take her away?  Where was the sense in that?  I couldn’t make sense of why a soul would choose me and then never get to come into this world.  And to make things worse, I was feeling so much shame.  I felt like I did something wrong to cause this.  I felt like my body failed.  I felt as if I did not deserve to be a mother.  So when people would say that this happened for a reason, my first thought was, “Exactly.  The reason is that God did not want me to be a mother. He knew that I would not be a good one.”  I know it does not make sense in hindsight, but in the moment it was the only thing that felt right.  The statement that was supposed to bring comfort was making my grief even worse.

One way that I processed my grief was by separating from it and trying to understand it.  So I spent a lot of time trying to understand other people’s reactions to my grief and I became hyper-focused on the use of this commonly used phrase.  I was jealous of the really religious people who could believe this and find comfort in it.  I could not.  But…why not? And is it true that religious people genuinely find comfort in the belief that everything happened for a reason?

Here are some of my thoughts: (I guess all of this has been my thoughts, but you know what I mean!)

The belief that everything happens for a reason is an ending point, not a beginning.  Let me explain.  I know very few people, religious or not, who actually found comfort in the notion that everything happened for a reason when their grief was fresh.  Some held on to that belief because it was something that they were taught and something they felt that they needed to believe in.  The rest of us…well…it just pissed us off. Why?  Because it completely negated our grief process.  Most of us are not ready to even consider God’s plan for us. (And frankly, not everyone believes in God.) The reality is that we all need to grieve our loss.  We need to feel it.  We need to understand it.  To dissect it.  To over analyze it.  To be angry.  To question God’s existence.  To be in denial.  To be angry again.  To resent others who don’t understand or who have not experienced this.  Oh, and did I mention anger?  When you tell someone that everything happens for a reason, it translates as, “No need to feel that dear.  Skip to the ending and just believe that God has a plan and all will be ok.”  That may not be what you meant, but that is what many of us hear.  The reality is that the belief that everything happens for a reason is a soft spot that some of us may eventually land on because that is what eventually helps in our grief journey.  But some of us may never land there because it is not something that actually brings comfort and that is ok. 

For me, everything happens for a reason brought little to no comfort even now and I it has been almost two years since my loss.  I found comfort in focusing on the good things that came from such an awful, painful experience.  I have an amazing son.  I have met some amazing moms and dads who have experienced similar losses and who have helped me grieve.  I have discovered who my true friends are.  I am reminded daily how amazing and supportive my family is.  As a therapist, I have new perspective about grief and loss.  Most importantly, I figured out exactly how strong and resilient I am.  I needed to (and continue to) go through the grief process in order to get to this point and to appreciate all that I have.  I needed to go through (and continue to go through) the grieving process in order to be a good mom to my son, a good friend, a good therapist, a good daughter etc. 

Some Pointers

• I urge you not to rush another person’s grief process, or even your own. 

• I urge you to respect the process and to not fear it.  It is important for all of us to sit with our emotions. Understanding our loss ultimately allows us to heal from it.  And then it is important to move forward in ways that will honor your loss(es).

• I urge those of you who are not ready to believe (now or ever) that “everything happens for a reason,” to go at your own pace and explore different ways to find peace.  

• I urge you to resist the notion to fast forward to a time when the pain is less.  I remember saying to a friend that I wish I could go to sleep and wake up a year from now.  My friend reminded me that the grief process was necessary.  It was hard work but it was necessary and Abigail (and I) deserved to be healthy and whole (as much as possible) again.  That could only happen if I allowed myself to grieve.

• I urge you to examine your own feelings and fears regarding death.  You may unknowingly encourage someone to skip their grieving process.  Or you may feel that you have to skip your own.  It often seems counter intuitive to sit with pain.  We spend most of our lives doing anything humanly possible to avoid the experience of pain.  But this is a necessary pain.  The best way you can honor the loss of your baby, or any other loved one, is to grieve and find a way to heal and move forward in a healthy way.  That takes time.

Final Thoughts:

It is never easy to know what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a pregnancy or baby, especially when that grief is new and raw.  It is important to remember that you don’t need to say the right thing because the loss of a baby will never feel right.  You just need to be there, bear witness to their pain, and if comfortable, sit with them in their pain.  Be a friend.  In the case of a baby loss, remember that baby’s name (if given one) and say the baby’s name, remember important dates, celebrate the baby’s memory, and acknowledge his/her existence.  Be supportive of the grieving process and don’t fret if the process is taking longer than you would expect.  (Seriously, who decided that there needed to be a timeline anyway?  That’s for a different blog entry!)  Lastly, loss is a part of life.  Grieving is a part of death.  To live life you have to grieve death.   Let’s all make a concerted effort to be more comfortable with our feelings of sadness, grief, and fear.  It will make us better family members, better friends, and better human beings.

The Work/Relationship Tango

I recently had a friend ask me to do a presentation to college students on how to create balance between work and relationships.  So, I figured this was a great topic to write about in February…You know…relationships…Valentine’s Day…right? Either way, I don’t need a specific reason to talk about relationships.  Relationships are difficult and complex, and I enjoy helping individuals navigate their way towards a healthy relationship with themselves and with others.  So here I am, talking to you about finding balance between relationships and work. 

In creating the presentation, I did a little research.  Yes…I did research.  After I got my doctorate degree, I was so traumatized that I swore that I would never do research again.  But, alas, you all were worth the effort.  So, what did I find?  The idea of finding balance between your professional life and your personal life first began to be examined in the late 18th century (Don’t worry I am not going to bore you with too many facts or statistics).  Legislation was created to limit the number of hours worked each week.  In the 19th century, laws were passed allowing for mandatory leave for certain events such as childbirth and illness.  In the 1970’s, the topic of work-life balance became even more prominent and important.  Can you guess why?  Ok…I will tell you!  Women entered the work force in greater amounts, and they changed the discourse.  Yay women!  Women needed to balance their child rearing and homemaking duties, and their work responsibilities in ways that men did not.  Obviously, that dynamic has changed as our understanding of roles and gender have changed, but at the time it was women who made this idea more popular and more important in the workplace. 

Why is this so important?  Research has found that when you don’t feel like there is good balance there is higher stress, higher absenteeism, lower productivity at work (Hobson, Delunas, & Kesic, 2001), and more physical symptoms like headaches, high blood pressure, insomnia, depression, difficulty managing anger, and a weakened immune system (Hughes, J., & Bozionelos, N., 2007).  Sounds ominous right?  Never fear!  I am here to bring you some possible solutions, things to try out, or consider etc. (Whatever verbiage you prefer!)

1.      Blend vs. Balance: The Work/Relationship Tango

I read an interesting article that defined this as a blend rather than balance.  You can read the article here.  The article discusses how we should redefine this effort as it is not about creating a 50/50 balance in every aspect of your life.  The separate parts of your life will seep into each other, even when you try to avoid it.   The reality is that it is not possible to achieve an equal balance.  If that is the end goal, you will always feel like a failure and always be striving for something that just is not obtainable.  According to the article, finding “balance” also implies that either work or your relationships are negative and needs to be changed in some way.  Being able to balance them should not be about choosing one or the other, rather, it is about finding how to have both in a way that works for you. It is about finding a way for the two to blend together rather than trying to maintain them as complete separate entities. I like to refer to it as a dance…a tango if you will (Tango just sounds more dramatic and interesting!) In all seriousness, ballroom dancing requires two people to come together, to work collaboratively, to be in sync with each other, to openly communicate, to be vulnerable. And no two dance partners or tango routines are the same, so they all require something different. It is a wonderful analogy!

2.      Create a Life Audit

Social Workers and other mental health professionals will often use a clinical tool called the ecomap.  Ecomaps help you identify family members and other systems (school, work, hobbies, religious groups, social services etc.) that you regularly interact with.  Once you have listed all the individuals and systems involved in your life, you identify what kind of relationships exist with each one (strong, weak, negative, positive, tenuous), and then you identify the flow of resources.  For example, do you have a job that you give a lot of time and emotional energy to?  If so, you would show an arrow pointed towards your employment circle.  Now, do you get something back from your job?  Satisfaction? Feeling of accomplishment? A nice pay check?  If so, you would put an arrow pointing towards you to show that the flow of resources is a give a take.  Or, do you have a job that sucks you dry, is stressful, not fulfilling, and doesn’t pay well?  Then, you would identify it as a system that takes resources but does not give any back.  You do this for each system and then step back and take a look.  What relationships and systems have a balanced flow of resources?  Which ones do you give to but don’t get anything back?  Do you have too many of those type of relationships?  Are there relationships and/or systems that you can get rid of in order to have a more balanced life? I think at some point in our lives we all do an audit of our lives and decide that some people or systems just aren’t worth the time, drama, resources and we walk away. What better time than the present?

If you are interested in creating your own ecomap, you can go  here to learn how.  It is a wonderful tool!

3.      Find Balance at Work

Finding balance at work is very important.  First, it is important to determine if you are happy at work and in order to do that you have to determine what you are looking for from your work and what about work makes you happy.  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Is the work you are doing engaging in nature?

• Do you have the level of freedom that you want at work?

• Do you have clear goals with a defined beginning and end?

• Do you get feedback in order to know if you are doing well or not?

• Do you help others with the work that you do?  Is that important to you?

• Are you doing work that you are good at?  Do you get supervision or training to improve your skills?

• Do you have supportive colleagues?

• Does your job allow you to have the personal life that you desire?

Some other tricks to try:

• Work on your time management skills

• Learn how to be more efficient to create more time for yourself and your relationships

• Stop glorifying being busy.  Sometimes it is ok to just lay low and enjoy some quiet time.

• Learn how to say “No.”

4.      Work on the Relationship

The most important part of finding this balance or managing the blend, is to create appropriate boundaries around your relationship and utilize healthy communication.  It is very important that you protect your relationship and that you nurture it so that it can prosper even when you are away at work or focusing on other priorities.  When you are with your significant other it is important that you be as present as possible for the other person, and for yourself.

• Focus on your partner and let them know that they are valued.

• Plan special dates when possible and put aside time every week to be together, just the two of you, to show that you are making the relationship a priority.

• Stay connected throughout the day.  Ok… before you freak out… I am only talking about a quick, “Thinking about you” or “I hope you are having a great day” type text.  This lets your partner know that you are thinking of them, missing them, and that they are a priority even when you are busy at work.  It is the little things that help. 

• Really be there when you are together.  That means…wait for it…PUT AWAY YOUR PHONES!  *Gasp*  Yes.  I said it.  Don’t hate me.  You probably think I am crazy (or old), but there was a time when we didn’t have cell phones and we actually sat together and…talked.  We paid attention to each other.  We made eye contact.  We held hands.  We enjoyed each other’s company.  None of this can happen if you are constantly checking your social media sites or checking your work email.  The time you spend with your partner should be more about quality than quantity.  Trust me on this.

• Lastly, create small routines that allow you to connect as a couple.  Eat breakfast together (if possible), set a weekly date night, schedule times to put your phone away, chat on the phone on the way home from work, go for nightly walks after dinner.  Make sure that these moments are deliberate and consistent in nature.  Make them a priority.

• Show unconditional support for your partner and always give your partner the benefit of the doubt.  If you and your partner make a plan on being more present and more connected and your partner messes up, be patient, talk it through, and give your partner the benefit of the doubt that the mistake was not done on purpose.  Also, remember that there will be times when you will be able to give more than your partner and that is ok as long as, in hindsight, the give and take evens out.

Communication is also very important.  I am always amazed by the lack of healthy communication in relationships.  I have lots of thoughts on that to be discussed at a later date. 

• Make sure you discuss your expectations, wants, and needs as it relates to the relationship in general and your time together.  Don’t assume that your partner knows what you are thinking.  Much to your surprise, your partner is NOT a mind reader.  The more you talk openly about your expectations the closer you will get to having those expectations met. 

• Don’t assume that your partner is happy just because you are.  Make sure that you are constantly checking in with each other to discuss what is going well and what may need more work.

• Talk openly about what is not going well.  Share your concerns with your partner and try to problem solve when possible.  Remember that not all problems have easy solutions or any solutions at all.  Sometimes, one of you, will need to talk about hurt feelings and/or disappointment even if there is no possible solution available at the time. For example, let’s say that you have a big project due at work and cannot be home much for an extended period of time.  Your partner may need to vent about how lonely it has been or how difficult it has been, knowing that there is no solution and that the problem is temporary in nature.  And that is OK! They just need to vent, be heard, and validated.

• Apologize when you have done something wrong and forgive when your partner apologizes for doing something wrong.

So there you have it!  Easy!  Right?  No!  There is definitely nothing easy about this, but your relationship is worth it. (If you find yourself disagreeing here, it is time to reevaluate your relationship…Just sayin!) If all of this is new for you remember to make one change at a time (see my last blog entry) and be forgiving when change does not happen right away.

Comments welcome!!! 

Resources

 Hobson, C. J., Delunas, L., & Kesic, D. (2001). Compelling evidence of the need for corporate work/life balance initiatives: results from a national survey of stressful life‐events. Journal of employment counseling, 38(1), 38-44.

Hughes, J., & Bozionelos, N. (2007). Work-life balance as source of job dissatisfaction and withdrawal attitudes: An exploratory study on the views of male workers. Personnel Review, 36(1), 145-154.

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/work-life-balance.htm

https://mswcareers.com/the-ecomap-a-social-work-assessment-tool/

Beginning (Again): Changes, Resolutions, and Shame

I’m going to lose weight.

I’m going to start going to the gym.

I’m going to eat healthier. 

I’m going to work less.

January is the time of year when we renew our promises to ourselves.  February is when we recognize…again…that we failed to make significant changes.  This time felt different.  This time I swore I would follow through.  This time I planned out my map of success.  And yet…here we all are, the same as we were in December, engaging in the same behaviors.  Only now, we feel a bit more shame.  But so what….right?  What difference does it make? What’s a little more shame?

I guess the bigger question is, why do we keep doing this to ourselves?  Why do we set ourselves up for failure over and over again?  I don’t think there is one universal answer to this.  I think this sense of failure has a different function for each of us. For some it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  For some, it is due to a fear of success or fear of happiness.  Perhaps, some of us believe we deserve the experience of shame.  I think it is important for each one of us to determine what we accomplish by continuing to set ourselves up for failure.  What purpose does it serve?  How does it help us, even if it is not in a healthy way?

You are probably thinking to yourself that I am all doom and gloom right now. Well, never fear, there is a bright side to all of this.  After all, this is January and I promised myself that I would have a more optimistic outlook on life. (HA!  See what I did there? Just Kidding!)  While you are figuring out the function of shame, there are things that you can do towards making positive change in your life.  The key is to make the changes small, manageable, and concrete!

Create Your Beginning

There is a reason that everyone makes a promise to change in January.  January is a clear beginning, a new year.  There is something about a fresh start that makes change feel more possible.  For some, a new year is not necessary. Monday constitutes a new beginning.  For example, have you ever been on a diet and then “cheated” on the diet and figured you would just keep cheating until Sunday because “well I already messed up the week. I might as well start over on Monday.”  I know I am not the only one to have had that thought. (Yes, I am looking at you! Don’t leave me standing here all on my own)!   So, yes, beginnings make it seem easier to make change.  But what if they are also a way to put off change?  The reality is that beginnings are whenever we set them to be.  Every year school starts on a different day in August or September.  It is a manufactured beginning and yet it feels like a fresh start because someone told us that it was a beginning.  With that in mind, it is possible for us to decide that a beginning is whenever we choose it to be.  If I cheat on a Tuesday morning, theoretically, I can tell myself that my next beginning is Tuesday afternoon.  Right?

Manufactured beginnings are not a new concept.  A gym that I belonged to has ten-week challenges throughout the year.  It is a small, time-limited, challenge/change that doesn’t feel too unsafe or unattainable.  After the ten weeks, there was a party to celebrate the accomplishments of the challenge and then a new challenge began.  It was an opportunity for everyone to reset, make new goals, celebrate the goals that they accomplished, and try again if they failed to meet the goals they set.  This seemed to be a great success and it makes perfect sense.  You choose your beginning.  A beginning could be the next hour, the next day, the next week.  You get to define when you start anew.  How great is that?  An infinite amount of beginnings allows for a whole lot of new chances.  Doesn’t that feel so much better?  Not yet?  Give it time!

Make the Goal small and attainable

On New Year’s, I have noticed that we all, myself included, come up with these grand ideas of change.  The reality is that we are all creatures of habit.  Don’t deny it!  We like when things are predictable and stable.  Change is scary and it makes us want to avoid it, especially when it is large change that we are aiming for.  Again, we set ourselves up for failure.  So let’s try something new, shall we?  Did I just hear you say yes?  Perfect!  How about we make small, incremental, changes rather then the large ones?  Small change is more manageable and less intimidating.  Small changes also don’t require a complete lifestyle change!  You want to eat healthier, maybe try cutting out one particular kind of bad food at a time (Ice cream? Did I lose you?) until you are at your desired eating pattern.  You want to go to the gym after not going for a few years? Why not promise yourself once a week and then build up from there?  You want to get more sleep?  How about promising yourself that you will go to bed early one night a week? You want to work less, well…yeah…as someone who works way too much, I am still working on that one and will get back to you on that one shortly! (I crack myself up! I hope you are laughing too because change requires a sense of humor!)  But seriously, maybe promise yourself that you will go home on time (whatever that may be) one time a week and then progress from there.

Small, attainable changes allow for real, lasting change.  But they also allow for mistakes.  If you don’t eat well on the one day you told yourself that you would, guess what, there are six other days that you can try again. 

Ask yourself who the change is for

Many of us decide to change for the wrong reasons.  If you are changing for anyone but yourself, I am here to tell you that you WILL fail (There I go being a fatalist again! But the truth hurts sometimes).  You have to make a change because it is something that you truly want. I have worked with so many people who lose weight for their partner or go to the gym because someone told them that they should.  Change is hard enough when we want the change to happen.  It is almost impossible when the motivating force is to make someone else happy.  And guess what, when you fail (and you will), you not only feel shame for failing but for letting the other person down.  A double whammy! (Anybody else remember that show? I digress)! 

The other question you have to ask yourself is: what will this change accomplish?  So many people think that losing weight will lead to happiness.  I am here to tell you that it won’t.  Harsh I know!  But the reality is that you will be an unhappy person in a healthier body.  I guess you could argue that that is at least a step in the right direction.  However, most people will never get to that point.  Want to know why?  Because they are unhappy!  Because they know that being thin won’t fix everything.  And/or they are scared of being happy (it’s a thing) or don’t believe that they deserve it.  So before you decide to make change, make sure you are doing it for the right reason!

Forgive yourself when you inevitably fail

Guess what!  We all fail.  Some of us even schedule our fails…ahem…did someone say cheat meals?!  It is part of the change process.  But the key to all of this is not allowing shame to seep in and derail you.  Life happens.  Change is hard and when you fail you have to find a way to forgive yourself, make a plan, and move on from it.  If you don’t, you are bound to continue to repeat the same bad patterns/habits that you are fighting so hard to change.  And frankly, you deserve so much more than that.  Don’t believe me?  Well…that’s for a different blog entry!  In the meantime, try to have compassion for yourself!  Remind yourself how hard change is and how far out of our way we go to keep things status quo.  Try and remove the shame and celebrate the small changes you do engage in.

Final Thoughts

January is a new beginning.  But, so is tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.  Change is there when you are ready to embrace it.  I am so excited for when that year, month, week, day, moment happens and I hope you will allow all of us to celebrate it with you!

Cheers!  Here is to an amazing year, month, week…you get my point! 😉

I have a lot more thoughts on the process of change. Please stay tuned for my next blog entry!

In the meantime, I would love to hear YOUR thoughts on this!